A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
Cavemen to Columbus
The early Church declared that alcohol was an inherently good gift of God to be used and enjoyed. While individuals might choose not to drink, to despise alcohol was heresy.
Puritans to Prohibition
While there wasn't any cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, or pumpkin pie to eat at the first Thanksgiving, there was beer, brandy, gin, and wine to drink.
Prohibition: The Noble Experiment
During Prohibition, temperance activists hired a scholar to rewrite the Bible by removing all references to alcohol beverage.
Beverages: Ales to Zombies
Bourbon takes its name from Bourbon County in Kentucky, where it was first produced in 1789 by a Baptist minister.
Health and SafetyThe alcohol in drinks of either low alcohol content (below 15%) or high alcohol content (over 30%) tend to be absorbed into the body more slowly
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Drink To That
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
Did you know:
The human body produces its own supply of alcohol naturally on a continous basis, 24 hours a day, seven days a week?
Did you know that the world's oldest known recipe is for beer?
The word "toast," meaning a wish of good health, started in ancient Rome, where a piece of toasted bread was dropped into wine.
Would You Believe...
Vikings used the skulls of their enemies as drinking vessels.
Anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household trash containing even a single empty alcohol beverage container can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol in Missouri.
Did you know:
The human body produces its own supply of alcohol naturally on a continous basis, 24 hours a day, seven days a week?
Did you know that the world's oldest known recipe is for beer?
The word "toast," meaning a wish of good health, started in ancient Rome, where a piece of toasted bread was dropped into wine.
Would You Believe...
Vikings used the skulls of their enemies as drinking vessels.
Anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household trash containing even a single empty alcohol beverage container can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol in Missouri.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Don't Be An Ostritch
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
January Jokes
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
Drive Thru Revenge
After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank youthis tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."
Play name that tune with person taking the order.Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
Drive Thru Revenge
After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank youthis tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."
Play name that tune with person taking the order.Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Mark Cella Applauds President Obama
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
Haven't you ever had the urge to let loose when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
Haven't you ever had the urge to let loose when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Happy Obama Day!
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?Ask for last months specials.Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?Ask for last months specials.Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
Monday, January 19, 2009
That's Alot Of Barbie
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Crocodiles Tongue?
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Calling All Rappers:
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH".
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and earsnever stop growing.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH".
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and earsnever stop growing.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Betcha Didn't Know
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Monday, January 12, 2009
That's A Lot Of Pizza
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Friday, January 9, 2009
This Year Remember To...
A Few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
I will always "check for paper" when leaving the restroom.
I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars
Never buy just one roll of toilet paper, one roll of film, or one jar of peanut butter. Get two.
Do a good job because you want to, not because you have to. This puts you in charge instead of your boss.
Remember that the shortest way to get anywhere is to have good company traveling with you.
When you are lost, admit it, and ask for directions.
Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
I will always "check for paper" when leaving the restroom.
I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars
Never buy just one roll of toilet paper, one roll of film, or one jar of peanut butter. Get two.
Do a good job because you want to, not because you have to. This puts you in charge instead of your boss.
Remember that the shortest way to get anywhere is to have good company traveling with you.
When you are lost, admit it, and ask for directions.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Beat That Traffic Ticket
A Few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
- Change your plea every five minutes
- If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers "Barney"
- Gurgle into the microphone.
- Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.
- If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.
- When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, "From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!"
- Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.
- Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say "I'm a paying customer!".
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
To The Wall Street Crooks
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
To the Wall Street crimminals
More fun things to do in court:
- Bring a kazoo.
- Act like you're doing something important, and ask them to "keep it down"
- Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you've been shot.
- Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.
- Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud as you can.
- Point to the person next to you and tell him to "stop it!"
- Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.
- Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means.
- When he answers, object.
- Dress up like Santa Claus
- Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
To The Illinois Govenor...
A few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
- 1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.
- Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.
- Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.
- If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.
- Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.
- If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.
- If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.
- Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.
- Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him"
Monday, January 5, 2009
HNY Resolutions (I Think)
A Few words from poet/ author/ philosopher, Mark A. Cella
- I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
- I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.
- Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
- Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
- Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
- Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
- I will always "check for paper" when leaving the restroom.
- I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
- I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars
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